What Actually Matters to You?

Understanding your values and the choices you make

Most of us could probably tell you what matters to us.

Family. Honesty. Friendship. Independence. Kindness. Being a good parent or partner. Having a life that feels meaningful.

But knowing what matters and living in a way that reflects it aren't always the same thing.

We can value honesty and still avoid a conversation we know we need to have.

We can care deeply about our relationships and create distance when we're hurt.

We can value independence but find ourselves agreeing to things we don't really want to do.

Sometimes we don't notice the gap until something starts to feel uncomfortable.

What do you want your life to stand for?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) places a lot of emphasis on values.

Values aren't rules about how we should behave. They are the things we decide are personally important and can help give direction to the choices we make. One way of thinking about values is as a compass: they give us a direction rather than a destination.

That distinction matters.

You might have a goal of having dinner with your family three nights this week. Connection might be the value underneath it.

You might decide to finally tell someone that something has been bothering you. Honesty, courage or self-respect might matter underneath that.

Goals can be completed. Values continue to guide us.

It can be useful to ask:

What kind of person do I want to be in the relationships that matter to me?

Not what kind of partner, parent, friend or person you think you should be.

What actually matters to you?

Are your choices taking you towards what matters?

One of the ideas I like about the ACT Matrix is its simplicity.

It asks us to notice whether what we're doing is taking us towards what matters to us or away from it.

You value closeness with your partner, but after an argument you ignore them for the rest of the evening.

You value being present with your children, but you're distracted by work whenever they try to talk to you.

You value honesty, but say, “It's fine,” because having the conversation feels too uncomfortable.

None of this means those values aren't genuine.

There is usually something else going on too.

Maybe telling someone how you feel brings up anxiety. Saying no brings guilt. Admitting you were wrong feels exposing.

Avoiding those feelings can make things easier in the moment.

Rather than judging a choice as simply good or bad, ACT asks us to consider whether what we're doing is actually working for us.

A useful question is:

Is what I'm doing taking me where I want to go?

What gets in the way?

Sometimes it's a feeling. Sometimes it's a thought.

If I say no, they'll think I'm selfish.

If I bring this up, we'll have an argument.

I should be able to cope with this.

They should know what I need without me having to ask.

It's easy to respond to thoughts like these as though they are facts.

We don't always need to decide whether they're true or false. Sometimes noticing that we're having the thought is enough to create a little room before deciding what to do next.

The same applies to uncomfortable feelings.

Knowing that honesty matters doesn't make a difficult conversation comfortable.

Wanting better boundaries doesn't mean you won't feel guilty when you say no.

Caring about connection doesn't prevent you from feeling hurt or angry.

Sometimes discomfort comes with doing something that matters to us.

The question becomes whether we can make room for some of that discomfort without letting it make every decision.

Pay attention to the direction you're moving

You don't need a perfectly defined list of personal values to start thinking about this.

Choose one relationship or part of your life that matters to you and ask:

What matters to me here?

When things become difficult, what do I tend to do?

Does that take me closer to what matters or further away from it?

What could one small move in the direction I want look like?

It might be having a conversation you've been putting off.

Saying no when you mean no.

Listening instead of preparing your response.

Making time for someone you've been neglecting.

Or acknowledging something you got wrong.

These don't need to be big changes.

Sometimes self-understanding starts with noticing the direction we're already moving in and asking ourselves whether it's still where we want to go.

References

Harris, R. (2019). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy. New Harbinger Publications.

Hayes, S. C., Pistorello, J., & Levin, M. E. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy as a unified model of behavior change. The Counseling Psychologist, 40(7), 976–1002.

Luoma, J. B., Hayes, S. C., & Walser, R. D. (2017). Learning ACT: An acceptance & commitment therapy skills-training manual for therapists (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

Polk, K. L., Schoendorff, B., Webster, M., & Olaz, F. O. (2016). The essential guide to the ACT matrix: A step-by-step approach to using the ACT matrix model in clinical practice. Context Press.