Why Do We Pursue or Withdraw During Conflict?
Why one person wants to keep talking while the other needs space.
An argument starts over something fairly ordinary.
One person wants to talk about it.
The other has had enough.
“Can we just sort this out?”
“Not now.”
“But you always do this.”
“I said I don't want to talk about it.”
The more one person tries to continue the conversation, the quieter or more distant the other becomes. And the more the other person pulls away, the more important it feels to get a response.
Eventually someone leaves the room.
It's easy to look at this kind of argument and decide that one person is too demanding or the other refuses to communicate.
But often, the problem isn't just what either person is doing.
It's what starts happening between them.
The argument isn't always just about the argument
We tend to think conflict is about the thing we're arguing over.
Money. Parenting. Housework. Sex. Family. Something someone said three days ago.
But conflict can also bring up questions that aren't being said out loud.
Do you understand why this matters to me?
Are we okay?
Am I being criticised again?
Is anything I say going to make this better?
When a conversation starts to feel threatening or overwhelming, people respond differently. Some move towards the conversation. Others move away from it.
And sometimes those two responses collide.
When one person pursues and the other withdraws
Relationship research describes a common pursue–withdraw or demand–withdraw pattern.
One person might ask more questions, explain themselves again, seek reassurance or push to resolve the issue.
The other might become quiet, give shorter answers, change the subject, shut down or leave.
Neither response necessarily means the person doesn't care.
For the person pursuing, distance may make the situation feel even more urgent:
Why won't you talk to me?
For the person withdrawing, the intensity of the conversation may make getting away from it feel increasingly necessary:
I can't keep doing this.
That's where the cycle can take over.
The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws.
The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues.
Before long, they're no longer just dealing with the original problem. They're reacting to each other.
Why do we pursue?
If you tend to pursue during conflict, leaving something unresolved may feel worse than continuing the conversation.
You might want reassurance, an answer or some sign that the other person understands why you're upset.
So when they become quiet or leave, you try harder.
“Just talk to me.”
“Tell me what you're thinking.”
“Are we okay?”
From the outside, this can look demanding. But underneath it may be a strong need to restore connection or certainty.
The difficulty is that the harder you try to get that connection, the more pressure the other person may feel.
Why do we withdraw?
Withdrawal can be misunderstood too.
Someone may go quiet because they're overwhelmed, can't organise their thoughts or are worried they'll say something they'll regret. They may have learned that conflict is best avoided, or simply need longer to work out what they're feeling.
From inside the experience, withdrawal might feel like:
I need this to stop before I can think.
But from the other side of the room it can look like:
You don't care.
That's an important difference.
There is also a difference between needing space and using silence or withdrawal to punish, control or indefinitely avoid an issue. Taking a break can be useful. Leaving the other person wondering whether you'll ever come back to the conversation is something else.
The roles can change
We sometimes talk about the pursuer and the withdrawer as though these are fixed personality types.
They're not necessarily.
The same person may pursue in one situation and withdraw in another. And patterns can change over the course of a relationship.
Sometimes the person who has spent a long time trying to talk eventually stops.
They stop asking.
Stop raising the issue.
Stop trying to get a response.
The relationship may even look calmer.
But less conflict doesn't always mean things are better. Sometimes it means someone has stopped trying.
And that change can affect the other person too. The partner who previously withdrew may begin reaching out when they notice the distance.
Or they may not.
Both people can gradually move further apart.
That's why the aim isn't to get better at pursuing or withdrawing. It's to recognise the pattern before it starts running the conversation.
Taking space without disappearing
Sometimes continuing an argument is the least useful thing two people can do.
If you're overwhelmed, you're probably not listening particularly well anyway.
Taking a break can help.
But compare:
“I can't deal with this.”
with:
“I'm getting overwhelmed and I'm not listening properly anymore. I do want to finish this conversation. Can we take half an hour and come back to it at 7:30?”
Both involve stepping away.
The second gives the other person something the first doesn't: a way back.
One person gets the space they need.
The other knows the conversation hasn't simply been abandoned.
That small difference can be particularly helpful when one person finds conflict overwhelming and the other finds distance difficult.
Notice your part of the pattern
Rather than asking Which one of us is the problem?, it can be more useful to notice what happens next.
When the other person goes quiet, what do you do?
When they ask you another question, what happens in you?
When you walk away, what do they do next?
And then what do you do?
You might also ask yourself what you're trying to achieve in that moment.
If you pursue, are you looking for reassurance? Understanding? Resolution? Connection?
If you withdraw, are you trying to calm down? Avoid criticism? Find your words? End an interaction that feels impossible?
Understanding the pattern doesn't mean every response becomes acceptable.
It just helps us see what's actually happening.
Coming back matters
Healthy relationships aren't relationships where nobody becomes defensive, overwhelmed or gets conflict wrong.
We will.
What matters is whether we can come back.
That might mean returning to a conversation you left.
Acknowledging that you pushed for an answer when the other person needed time.
Explaining what was happening when you shut down.
Listening to what the argument was like for the other person.
Or simply saying:
“Can we try that conversation again?”
We don't need to handle every difficult conversation perfectly.
But if we can recognise the cycle we're getting caught in, we have a better chance of doing something different the next time it starts.
References
Bowlby, J. (1979). The Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 2(4), 637–638.
Donato, S., Parise, M., Pagani, A. F., Bertoni, A., & Iafrate, R. (2014). Demand-withdraw, couple satisfaction and relationship duration. Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 140, 200–206.
Feeney, J. A., & Karantzas, G. C. (2017). Couple conflict: Insights from an attachment perspective. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 60–64.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–16.
Guerrero, L. K. (2019). Conflict style associations with cooperativeness, directness, and relational satisfaction: A case for a six-style typology. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research.
Johnson, S., & Brubacher, L. (2016). Techniques for the couple therapist. Routledge.
Levenson, R. W., Haase, C. M., Bloch, L., Holley, S. R., & Seider, B. J. (2015). Emotion regulation in couples. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of emotion regulation (pp. 267–283). Guilford Press.
Papp, L. M., Kouros, C. D., & Cummings, M. E. (2009). Demand-withdraw patterns in marital conflict in the home. Personal Relationships, 16(2), 285–300.
Pause, Then Return
A simple one-page guide for taking space when conflict becomes overwhelming, without leaving the conversation unresolved.